What I do. This is an odd post for me to share here. I was so taken by the beauty of the heart that wrote to me. Her vulnerability coupled with her strength and understanding of who she is, well is just awesome.

This was sent to me from a beautiful single mom last night.  I love helping people find freedom. I wish that I could say to every person struggling with their identity, loneliness, brokenness, desire, hope…in any area: YOU ARE ENOUGH ❤️.

I love Psalm 139:14 and two different translations. The New International Version says “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” The New Living Translation says “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”

I share this with her permission. Even in sharing her heart was revealed when she replied, “yes, if this helps one person have hope.” Never surrender your hope. God hears you and wants to build you into his unstoppable force before he allows anyone to receive the gift that is you.

“Hi Myron! 

Can I possibly get your advice on something… If it’s not appropriate for me to ask, just let me know. 

As a single woman who is looking for a God-fearing man, I keep running into the same issue… it’s porn. I have never struggled with this, but I have struggled with other areas of perversion in my past. But this left in layers when I started seeking the Lord. 

However, at some point in time during a conversation with a man this gets brought up almost every single guy is dealing with this addiction. 

To me, this is a nonnegotiable. Just like drinking or smoking would be.  I have deep wounds from my exes watching porn as well. It makes a woman feel worthless and like she’s not enough. Anything you do cannot please a man who has this addiction. So I run from men that struggle with this. 

My question to you is, how long should a man be away from porn for him to say he has broken the addiction? Can it be broken by only them and the Lord or should they always have accountability? 

I was thinking a year of not watching it would be a safe indication that I could move forward with someone in a relationship type of way. 

What are your thoughts and can I send them any information that you have maybe help these men?  

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around something like that, but claiming to have the fear of the Lord and watching porn just seems so double minded. And the Bible says you cannot trust a double minded man because he will be double minded in all his ways.

I am getting discouraged on this single journey and looking for a good and godly man . 

Thanks in advance🙏”

My answer:

“Hi ________,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heart.  You clearly are headed in the right direction in thought, expectation and requirement.

The short answer is like most addictions, this is a lifetime battle, that can be controlled and overcome.  It requires community and accountability; both individually and collaboratively.  There is a requirement to understand what triggers the need for porn and resulting dopamine release and what counter measures are being identified and installed to prevent relapse.  Porn addiction is more difficult to overcome than heroine.  It is real and insidious.

You are enough and this is the hardest part for me to convey to every woman dealing with porn addiction in their partner.  Porn is an escape, not a replacement for something lacking.  Porn addiction can often be tracked back to a traumatic life event that created a need for escape.  Porn is not the rejection of a partner or a spouse, it is a defense mechanism used as a salve for undefined pain not dealt with.  Porn never ages.  Porn never rejects.  Porn never judges.  All areas where the person entrapped in addiction struggles. 

You are enough!  Sadly, you and so many amazing women are the unintended collateral damage of others brokenness.

So back to your questions.  I don’t believe there is a measurable timeline.  What needs to be measured and deserves to be understood is what steps the person has and is taking to guard against falling back into old ways when the stresses of life and relationship become overwhelming.  Most importantly, understanding where they are in their authentic relationship with Christ and a desire to pursue a God-centered life is the key component for ultimate victory.  Guardrails must be in place and shared, understood and agreed to by everyone walking through life together.

Transparency and open communication are a must.  He must feel  allowed to share his deepest and possibly hurtful thoughts.  Equally, he must accept that you have a voice that matters and be willing to receive your heart and needs as well.

I hate porn because of notes just like this.  There are good men out there.  Sadly too few, but they are out there.  I can send the Fight Club Men curriculum in electronic form if you will send me an email address.  It address the chemical, psychological, relational and spiritual impacts of porn and provides suggested steps for dealing and overcoming the entrapment of porn.

PS.  Sorry for any typos and grammatical errors 🙏.”

Her response:

“Wow, I’m literally holding back tears because I did not know the depth of porn addiction. But also not receiving the others porn addiction as a personal wound of rejection or not being enough from them is very freeing – wow I needed to hear that more than you know🙏🥹 

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I truly appreciate everything you have done for men struggling with this because I never knew how deep it was until reading this. 

But also understanding what it takes to overcome it, intimacy in one’s relationship with Christ, transparency, accountability 🙏 

I would love the information from mens fight club. 

My email is  ________________

Thank you so much- this was so helpful, truly🙏💕”

You’ve got this.